I NEVER HAD A DREAM

I never had a dream.

I cannot remember when was the first time I heard that question.

But I recalled that it might be since I joined school, Kindergarten.

‘Who you want to be when you grow up?’

Are you serious? I was three or four at that time. You expect me to answer?

I did not know anything more than Doctor, Nurse, Soldier, Police and whatever which is a simple occupation that whoever in the world said kids need to know. 

I did not want to be anything, so I just randomly slip something out of my mouth. 

‘Teacher’, I said. My instructor seemed to be so grateful after she got some interactions from her students. ‘Nice answer! Thank you! Proud of you!’ — Yeah, you’re welcome.

I do not know when that I started to be a problematic girl who always comes up with questions in my mind. Not only in general thing like ‘why cannot we sit on the floor of the BTS?’ but I got some question for religions. 

Maybe i am an Atheist, I once told myself, or maybe not. Sometimes it is not a good idea if you are a type of people who always research for new knowledge. Yet i found out that all of the religions just have a main idea that we all have to be good people. But what is good people anyway?

Good one is a person who help each other?

Good one is a friend who let another copied their exam papers?

Good one is someone who act like Robin Hood?

Good one is like, sorry, but King?

(If I am going to jail tomorrow, I wanted to say goodbye here, love you readers, xoxo.)

For me, there are several answers that seemed to make sense but in the end it is not.

Why people are loyal to their boss while his company cheated on another company so he gets rich,  oh, because the boss pay large amount of salaries every months.

Why some of Thai people said Thaksin was an evil, he traded nation’s property. But some groups of people loved and admired him like he was their own father?

A boy stole some medicines to help his mother who was ill and about to die. Is he good?

A girl who never stepped in the night club in her life, nothing could guarantee that her personality is good, right?

Or maybe good person are just someone who always do whatever you said without opposing.

I believe you are already lost the main point of this story, but do not worry, me too. At the top of the page, I discussed about the question of my dream that I have never imagined about. Until this time i can still bravely tell you that there are no dreams for me in the future. I still do not know who I want to be. I still do not know that after graduated from bachelor’s degree then what will I do next.

I do not want to be like others, everyone got their own charismatic identity. 

I think the important thing is not keep asking yourself what are your goals? Are you going to be successful in the next 10 years? Who is your ideal person? blah blah blah. The crucial issue is that you should know what point are you at now and WHO ARE YOU RIGHT NOW.

If that instructor ever asked that question to me again,

‘Who you want to be when you grow up?’

‘Me. Just like me right now but rich as crazy.’